Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Perspective: Reviewing a Disney movie from Ten Minutes of Viewing Pleasure

     As some of you with children (or the heart of a child in a jar and/or other canopic device) may know, Disney released a movie simply titled Frozen some time last year. Now, I've long been a proponent that Disney films have some of the most over the top villains ever, and I have not seen this movie! But from three clips, I surmise a good deal of plot.

     Scene one: two sisters playing in a ballroom; they are nobles or princesses, and one of them has super magical ice powers that can do utterly mind boggling acts. During their late night antics, a stray beam of magical ice power smacks the younger sister in the head, permanently giving her hair highlights and forcing the parents to go to the most PG trolls since the 80's.
     Scene two: Now that the troll chieften (?) has removed the magical damage from the younger daughters head, he gives a vague yet horrifying prophecy that the oldest daughter must learn to control her powers, or people around her will fear her and turn on her. This is set in mystical-medieval-land-where-trolls-give-advice, so superstitious mobs are probably fairly common. Neat factoid: when a troll shaman removes a magical malady, it matters whether the magic is "born or cursed", to which the parents actually know the answer! Then, to cure the head wound, they have to remove the younger sister's knowledge about magic entirely. This leads to the two sisters becoming strangers. Here's a depressing song to tell the tale!

     The younger sister, none the wiser that her older sister is a frost spewing horror, continues to mewl and ply at her door for affection. So then the parents leave for undisclosed reasons and are eaten by the ocean, because Poseidon is an asshole. This leaves the two sisters alone, one manic-depressive with destructive powers that most third-world dictators would slaughter half their population for, and one daughter merely mourning her parents while being ignored by the remainder of her family.
     Third scene! Somehow, someway, the older sister reveals herself and predictably has a freak out, performing magic in front of people who then predictably panic and chase her, probably with torches and pitchforks, into the mountains. Now this is the making of some serious level shit right here, as we have someone who can now animate frozen water into living creatures living in a country so far up north they have the Northern Lights.
     And the common folk tried to kill her (?) and failed? I assume the massacre happened off screen, and the older sister shed her bloody cloak before this song of fucking terror comes about:

There is a reason for the sing along, trust me.

     Okay, phew! Lets start with the beginning of this soon-to-be Stephen King novel; we have the older sister (who I am now dubbing frost witch) walking through the snow, one protective glove on her right hand, her left hand uncovered. She proceeds to sing about how overbearing her parents were with rules that dominated her life in such a terrifying way that her facial expressions alone depict her need for psychiatric help. She then sheds her glove before playfully conjuring flurries of ice around her, casually creating a snowman with as much effort as it takes me to fucking clap.
     She ends her first round of lyrics with the phrase "The cold never bothered me anyway," which should send a chill up everyone's backs. Here we have an emotionally distraught teen with powers that (according to the film) if aimed anywhere near the chest can fucking kill, not counting her ability to summon blizzards at will, animate snowmen capable of (semi)intelligent thought, and her ability to, over the course of thirty seconds, build a fortress of solid ice without so much as getting winded.
     As she's crafting her new villain lair, she takes her crown and carefully tied bun of hair, callously throwing the crown away saying "the past is the past," and "I'm free!" as she ruffles her hair into a more chaotic appearance that she freely embraces by magically creating clothes out of ice.
     At this point it has become apparent that this frost witch can survive happily in below-zero temperatures. So we have a super-powered entity that has had psychological scarring from a young age that has recently been betrayed by her own people and chased away by an angry mob, building a fortress on a mountain overlooking her former kingdom. The next part would be to animate hordes of malicious snowmen to go to battle for her, or just to batter the kingdom in an endless blizzard (quick fact, she does the latter by fucking accident!). Her sister seeks her out because she's a fucking moron, and finds her (giant ice fortress being a hard thing to miss), where she barges in and tells the frost witch that her magical powers from frozen hell have actually been affecting the lands of the people that betrayed her, and people need her to get her emotions under control.
     She then loses her mind and creates a blizzard in her throne room, while her sister valiantly tries to reason with the screaming mad woman conjuring frigid death, before taking a bolt of frost magic to the chest.
     Not to ruin this movie beyond the horrible premises I have shown, but the aforementioned trolls? Yeah, they don't take engagement very seriously and perform woodland marriage ceremonies with as much forethought as I take in deciding what kind of coffee I want in the morning. Don't believe me? Here you go, more insane lessons on morality.
     Beyond the freaky rock trolls rolling around like psychotic androgynous armadillos capable of speech and mysticism, this scene is strange in that, from what I can glean, they are singing that adultery is fine so long as you are in love. Love conquers all, even prior marriage engagements! Most (arguably sane) creatures, perhaps the woodland chipmunks that watch how many hallucinogenic mushrooms the trolls eat on a day-to-day basis, might advise breaking off the ill-fated marriage if you want to marry a flea infested reindeer herder. The fact that they are a perfect Aryan couple does not escape me, but the insane ramblings that would pull from me would make this strange review of a film I've only listened to clips of seem all the more bizarre.
     And I admit it. I've pretty much listened to three songs, and seen five minutes of extra footage; that's it! How Disney weaves this fucked up set of soiled loincloths into a family classic is beyond me, but I would prefer to think of this as a story of how a mentally unstable witch is pushed to the edge and causes genocide. It makes for a more entertaining film, in my eyes.
     Especially if she murders the trolls too. Those things are just too damn weird.

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